Come As You Are

Hey friends. Sorry for not posting often. When I first started blogging, I thought that posting every week was a good thing and something I had to do. However, I have realized that I only really like to blog when I feel like all my feelings can't be spoken...when writing/typing my feelings gets them out better. So, here I am.

A lot has been going on in the world, lately. And my heart hurts. Oh gracious, my heart hurts. And perhaps, I'll come back to write about what's going on and how you can help. However, today I was angry. And I've been angry for quite some time.

You know, ever since the government officially shut down everything and made everyone stay at home to prevent the spread of COVID, churches have been closed. Most churches are doing online services to continue to stay connected and aren't participating in onsite services.

At the time, I understood completely. I was more focused on how to stop the spread of this virus and what we needed to do to save people's lives. However, the longer the shelter-at-home order went on, the angrier I became. (And trust me, I know I shouldn't have been angry. I know.)

The reason I invested my Sunday mornings into church and my Tuesday nights into Small Group was because of my need for community. I don't like being alone 24/7. Being alone is how Satan got a hold on me in the first place. Being alone is what turned my back towards God and what made me fall into the pit of anxiety and depression.

So imagine me, a person who needs community and who needs her people, without that. I once again found myself skipping church sermons because why would I take time out of my busy day (of working at home and working on my self confidence) to sit down for 30 minutes to an hour to watch someone on a computer screen talk about a Bible Story. Why would I, someone who feels God's presence in the midst of a church service while worshiping, want to worship and sing songs in my living room, by myself?

I was angry. I was angry and upset and heartbroken at not being able to see my church family every week. For not being able to hug my small group leader every Tuesday. For not being able to feel that beautiful sense of family and community in that school gym.

My church sent out a survey about getting back to normal church services and what not. I answered with every ounce of honesty in my body. I said that I hadn't been watching the church services (I think I have only watched one in the 2-3ish months we've been doing them). I said I probably wouldn't feel motivated to watch them if we continued down the path of online services. I said I wanted to be back with my church family (whether it be in the building or on our property) because I need that. I need it to survive. To not go down that dark path again.

So, when my pastor sent out an update video today, I got excited thinking that maybe...just maybe...things were going back to normal. Or at least trying to go back to normal. But no. We are continuing to have online services.

And then I cried.

I cried. I was once again angry that I could see my church family. Couldn't laugh with them. Couldn't hug them. Couldn't tell them hello or good morning. Couldn't catch up with them. (Some of them I haven't seen since the beginning of March.)

And after I cried, I heard God singing to me.

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You're not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

And suddenly, I wasn't angry anymore. (At least, I wasn't angry at my church or my church leaders.) Yes, I am upset that I can't go to church on Sunday's like I normally would. But there are bigger things going on in the world other than meeting in a physical place. I am more angered at myself for thinking that church had to be a physical place when I used to be all about the church being wherever you are in that moment. I plan on laying down all my hurt and anger and burdens at the feet of the Lord and coming as I am to Him. Wherever I am and whatever I am doing. 

I need to dial back in to what's important at this moment. I need to start every morning with a prayer to God. I need to blast my worship music on my way to work or the grocery store or anywhere else. We need to remember that God is everywhere we need Him to be. 

I guess this is to say, stop being angry with places being closed and stop being angry with having to social distance from others. Jesus did say, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7). 

Love you guys. And stay safe out there.