Relentless
What's up everyone. I'm sorry it's so late. I just got back from my Bible study group and the entire drive home, my fingers were itching to write. So, here I am eating cold french fries and drinking milk and working on this post. (A fair warning to some, what I want to talk about tonight can be triggering to some people, so read with caution.)
This past week has been a little busy with work and what not, but shockingly, I got a three day weekend to relax. Amazing, I know. Today, however, I jumped right back in to work and cooking dinner with my husband and I realized my Bible study group started tonight. I was pumped. Like I've mentioned before, I haven't had a true small group of people I can turn to since high school. I was ready to meet everyone and to dig into the Word.
I get there tonight and as everyone is arriving, I am quick to realize that I am one of the youngest women there. I was definitely the only one without any kids of her own. There were women from back when I was little and went to church in Auburn to women who literally started coming to our church last December. My excitement began to wane. We began to introduce ourselves and I began to panic. I knew for sure these women weren't going to understand what I've been through in my life. They aren't going to understand my doubts and struggles. They aren't going to get what I've done and why I've done it. And as each woman introduced herself, my mind began to replay bad memories from growing up through high school and college.
Pushing myself to attend every single youth meeting at my old church. To the point of me beginning to resent the church and what it was becoming.
Being persecuted for the first time in junior high about my faith.
Feeling like nobody understood me and that nobody cared about me.
Telling my mom I hated her.
Letting a knife slide across my wrist for the first time and feeling the relief from the pain I was feeling.
Trying to put my feelings into short stories that everyone passed off as fiction even though the scars on my arms said differently.
Going to college in a different state and leaving all my friends.
Those friends not trying to keep up with me or my adventures. Then being deleted from social media accounts and from phones.
Searching in vain for churches in my college's town who would accept me. None seemed right.
Getting further from church and from God. Resenting it all and truly believing I was a black sheep and didn't belong.
Going back to the razor blades my sophomore year of college.
One of my "friends" at school laughing at me for my self-inflicted pain.
My first boyfriend ever taking my innocence and turning it into hatred and broken relationships.
Being in and out of the hospital for not caring enough to take care of my diabetes.
The overwhelming feeling of being worthless and nobody caring if I was gone. The thoughts, though brief, of death and the thought of how much relief it would bring.
All of a sudden, as my heart was pounding in my chest and as the my flight responses were kicking in, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a whisper in my heart.
"My Daughter, would I ever lead you astray? I have brought you here for a reason. You are here for my will to be done through you. Pour all your doubts and your worries into me. Let me carry them for you."
You guys, my heart broke piece by piece. It took everything in me not to burst out sobbing in the middle of the group tonight. I hadn't heard God speaking directly to me in a very long time. Yeah, I feel His presence at church and when I'm listening to my praise playlist, but tonight, He spoke directly to me and I couldn't get enough of it.
I realized that no matter what the 10 or so women in my small group have been through...no matter if they understand my feelings or not...no matter if I feel like I don't belong, God brought me here. He brought me to a group where I realized I could share anything and everything with them without judgement. This was a place of acceptance and love and mercy and grace. So much grace. A relentless amount of grace.
And in that moment of peace, I surrendered it all. All my problems. All my doubts. All my insecurities. All my pain. I surrendered it all to God.
A God who has such a relentless love towards us.
A God whose grace abounds in deepest waters.
A God who forgives us a many times as there are drops in the ocean.
Tonight, I was sweetly broken. Wholly surrendered. And I am so blessed by it. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me next.
đź’šKaitlyn
This past week has been a little busy with work and what not, but shockingly, I got a three day weekend to relax. Amazing, I know. Today, however, I jumped right back in to work and cooking dinner with my husband and I realized my Bible study group started tonight. I was pumped. Like I've mentioned before, I haven't had a true small group of people I can turn to since high school. I was ready to meet everyone and to dig into the Word.
I get there tonight and as everyone is arriving, I am quick to realize that I am one of the youngest women there. I was definitely the only one without any kids of her own. There were women from back when I was little and went to church in Auburn to women who literally started coming to our church last December. My excitement began to wane. We began to introduce ourselves and I began to panic. I knew for sure these women weren't going to understand what I've been through in my life. They aren't going to understand my doubts and struggles. They aren't going to get what I've done and why I've done it. And as each woman introduced herself, my mind began to replay bad memories from growing up through high school and college.
Pushing myself to attend every single youth meeting at my old church. To the point of me beginning to resent the church and what it was becoming.
Being persecuted for the first time in junior high about my faith.
Feeling like nobody understood me and that nobody cared about me.
Telling my mom I hated her.
Letting a knife slide across my wrist for the first time and feeling the relief from the pain I was feeling.
Trying to put my feelings into short stories that everyone passed off as fiction even though the scars on my arms said differently.
Going to college in a different state and leaving all my friends.
Those friends not trying to keep up with me or my adventures. Then being deleted from social media accounts and from phones.
Searching in vain for churches in my college's town who would accept me. None seemed right.
Getting further from church and from God. Resenting it all and truly believing I was a black sheep and didn't belong.
Going back to the razor blades my sophomore year of college.
One of my "friends" at school laughing at me for my self-inflicted pain.
My first boyfriend ever taking my innocence and turning it into hatred and broken relationships.
Being in and out of the hospital for not caring enough to take care of my diabetes.
The overwhelming feeling of being worthless and nobody caring if I was gone. The thoughts, though brief, of death and the thought of how much relief it would bring.
All of a sudden, as my heart was pounding in my chest and as the my flight responses were kicking in, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a whisper in my heart.
"My Daughter, would I ever lead you astray? I have brought you here for a reason. You are here for my will to be done through you. Pour all your doubts and your worries into me. Let me carry them for you."
You guys, my heart broke piece by piece. It took everything in me not to burst out sobbing in the middle of the group tonight. I hadn't heard God speaking directly to me in a very long time. Yeah, I feel His presence at church and when I'm listening to my praise playlist, but tonight, He spoke directly to me and I couldn't get enough of it.
I realized that no matter what the 10 or so women in my small group have been through...no matter if they understand my feelings or not...no matter if I feel like I don't belong, God brought me here. He brought me to a group where I realized I could share anything and everything with them without judgement. This was a place of acceptance and love and mercy and grace. So much grace. A relentless amount of grace.
And in that moment of peace, I surrendered it all. All my problems. All my doubts. All my insecurities. All my pain. I surrendered it all to God.
A God who has such a relentless love towards us.
A God whose grace abounds in deepest waters.
A God who forgives us a many times as there are drops in the ocean.
Tonight, I was sweetly broken. Wholly surrendered. And I am so blessed by it. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me next.
đź’šKaitlyn
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